Zacharias Smith

So there's no more doubt now about the fact I didn't really assault Cornfoot, yeah?

Except now I really fucking wish I had.

Finally the DP is asking the right questions. I'd like to say I had something to do with it, but alas no. (Though I do know the woman who wrote it.) I've been at their offices for the past couple of weeks, farmed out by WWN to get a bit more journalistic experience ahead of the World Cup. Which I'll be helping to cover! Woohoo.

Come on Wales!

You'd think some people would be more cut up about ending a relationship with someone they were on the verge of marrying, but you'd be wrong. Though I suppose an engagement's not really a marriage. Neither's a wedding. It's never too late to back out, even if you have to physically run away from the altar. Hmm, how are you feeling, Gwen?

And I don't think you should let someone's weirdo family stand in your way if you really liked them. I mean, how often would you have to see them, really? Christmas? Birthdays? That must be it.

Not that I'm complaining. Bye-bye, Idris! I had great fun chucking your stuff out even though Sepphora told me not to. It ruins the facade, she said. Among other, more compassionate reasons.

[Private to Wayne]

Thanks for the dinner party. We had a nice time. You cook adequately well. I'll have to return the invitation sometime.

Working irregular hours is really bad for your health, did you know? I've half a mind to demand a new roster. I can't take weeks upon weeks of night shift. It's turning me to putty and making me consume too much junk food and turning my skin sallowish and hair lank which is the only reason why Emelda is not especially impressed.

I usually train alone but if the fitness centre had any good programs I'd consider joining.

[Private to Wayne]

Let's pretend I'm not fit, handsome or living in a manor. How do I get someone into bed?

[Private to Astoria]

What would it take for you to forget someone else's booking for Valentine's Day?

[Private to Emelda]

Good morning.

In honour of St Dwynwen's Day, I shall henceforth be treating anyone plus whomever they are sleeping with as a single entity. I should have thought of it like this from the start as it's clear if you tell one half of a couple something you are really telling both of them. So to make it simpler you're all now one person.

So welcome to Helga's Hill Layne, Kandy, Gerity, Twen, Rali, Shenry, Starney unless Christella is actually real, Gabbie and Gidmara.

[Wayne]

What the fuck were you thinking?

The article didn't mention they were Australian. I think that casts the whole episode into a completely different light.

Night shift. Well, that's new. And kind of bliss, actually.

[Private]

Sepphora keeps prodding me about my relationship. 'So where have you been?' 'Where have you taken her?' 'Why don't you take her to so-and-so, it's so nice'? 'How come she doesn't stay over?'

I bet Idris has put her up to this. In any normal circumstance she'd be beside herself with joy. Dad looks at me now like I'm the culmination of his life's work. He's going to change his will again. Any day now. That anonymous owl said all I was good at was inheriting money and damn straight I am.

Honestly, I'd recommend a fake relationship for anybody. People treat you so much better in general. Especially all the people who've had tragedy strike them. First thing they look for is kids. Dying of an incurable disease and you've got three under five? TRAGEDY. Dying of an incurable disease, no kids, no partner? ...Eh. It's like you need a lover before people believe you're a decent human being. Is it fair? Fuck no, but I intend to take full advantage while I can.

[Private to Emelda]

Making up lies is hard work. Easier just to actually go somewhere and I'll just refer to that one occasion for the next month. What do you fancy? Opera?

[Private]

So I was going to break the news about my simply devastating break-up to Dad this morning - we broke up because she's...allergic to expensive taste, or something, it was never going to work out, I'm sure we'll remain friends etc etc - when he went on a massive spiel about how glad he was that I had finally found someone - yes, that's really complimentary - and how he hoped this meant I was now "on the right path" and how proud he was and that he might have to reconsider leaving Sepphora as the custodian of the Manor after he passes.

Well.

[Private to Emelda]

Did I say break-up? I may have been hasty. Come up to the Hill. Hope you like sledding.

[Private to Emelda]

I have given it some thought and I've come to the conclusion that we should break up, thanks.

One murderer taken into custody and dozens of couples set up for happily ever after*. Not a bad night's work.

To the couple that snuck upstairs - so sorry for interrupting but Higgs started that superstition so you weren't missing out on anything special. Though I'm sure you'll still get the benefit of the two "traditional" superstitions so all's not lost.

*Happily ever after not guaranteed - take it up with Helga herself if you feel cheated.

I don't understand why preparations for the Blue Moon Ball require so much planning when they are essentially the same year after year.

I also hope none of you believe the silly superstition surrounding the event.

And anyone sneaking upstairs - not that you could possibly get that far, but just in case - to try to have sex in one of the spare rooms will be ejected. I don't know who started that unofficial superstition but it's just as untrue as the other two.

To friends if he has any and curious onlookers:

Zacharias Smith will not be using this journal at this time. If you really want to talk to him I'm sure you will find an alternate way.

I did not assault Stephen Cornfoot.

I did not write any graffiti out of my own free will.

I am confident I will be acquitted of any charges.

That is all I have to say on this matter.

[Private to Tristan and Daphne]

SOMEBODY HAS WRITTEN SOME TERRIBLE GRAFFITI OVER THE FRONT OF THE MAYOR'S OFFICE AND I NEED YOUR HELP TO REMOVE IT BEFORE ANYONE ELSE SEES.

This is going to sound completely crazy, but trust me, it's not, because I haven't been drinking anything except bottled water since you know what happened. But yesterday I caught Astoria and some man - I say man, but in that particular circumstance he was small enough to stand on my palm - ingesting unknown substances for a lark. Now, it's no fucking lark, OK, especially considering what half the town went through only a few days ago. I'm disappointed that Astoria won't tell me who that man was. I don't know why she's protecting him. I'm sure it's his fault because she couldn't have dreamed up such a hare-brained idea on her own.

He gave me the slip at J Pippin's so I couldn't question him. All I know is that he's got dark hair, but I've got five galleons for anyone who can convincingly identify him. We don't need this kind of idiocy in our town.

If the heat doesn't let up, a trip to the Roman baths in Bath (predictably) is in order. We can meet there after work, take a dip, then have dinner in town. Who wants to go?

[Wayne]

About time we met your girlfriend. She seems nice. I say "seems" because she didn't talk very much so who knows, really. I'm going to assume she's nice, to make up for her brother, who is a git.

Though really I think you should date someone with a bit oomph. Like Portia. You're very fixated on her.

[Louisa]

It was nice to meet you, officially. Welcome to the Hufflepuff clique. Don't worry, it's only been one night and I can safely say you're already more popular than me. I think you'll fit right in.

I think 'Bungling Ministry Fuzz Destroys Another Person, Their Family, Their Livelihood' is a more worthy headline.